During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
