Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
you will always have a special place in my vag
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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