You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Randomize
