I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
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