I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Please, let me fuck your mom
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
Randomize
