I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize