my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize
