no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Pooping to opera.
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