Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
