wakey wakey hands off snakey
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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