Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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