Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
