Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
Randomize
