i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Watching her eat just hurts me
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Randomize
