Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
