and next time when you feel me up, do it right
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
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