sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
I did not marry a roomba.
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