not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Randomize
