you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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