At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Randomize
