I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
