Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
