Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
