Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Everclear isn't food dammit
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
My vagina is very pro this idea
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
