Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Randomize