i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Randomize
