She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
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