I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
