you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
