Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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