It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Randomize
