So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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