Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
Randomize
