I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
