My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Randomize
