I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
