I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Randomize
