So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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