So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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