Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
either way he was missing a nipple.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Randomize
