Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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