Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
