drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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