oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
