where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
