there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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