So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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