The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
