I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
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