I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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