I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
