dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
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