This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Randomize
