He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
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