he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
