just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
