I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
me + whiskey = a bad person
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Randomize
