One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
