Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Randomize
