whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
